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Unbridled Epitaphs

Having the Last Word

© Yehor Vlasenko | Dreamstime.com


✟Here should lie the body of John Mound

Lost at sea and never found.


✟The little hero that lies here

Was conquered by the diarrhea.


✟Here lies the body of Samuel Proctor

Who lived and died without a doctor.


✟When present useful, absent wanted

Lived respected, died lamented.


✟Death is a debt that's justly due,

That I have paid and so must you.


✟Grim death took me without any warning,

I was well one day, and stone dead the next morning.


✟God takes the good too good on earth to stay,

God leaves the bad too bad to take away.


✟The pale consumption gave the mortal blow.

The fate was certain although the event was slow.


✟He got a fishbone in his throat

And then he sang an angel's note.


✟Some have children others none,

Here lies the mother of twenty-one.


✟Ebenezer Dockwood aged forty-seven,

A miser and a hypocrite and never went to Heaven.


✟This corpse

is Phebe Thorps.


✟Here lies a man never beat by a plan,

Straight was his aim and sure of his game,

Never was a lover but invented a revolver.


✟Here lies a man beneath this sod,

Who slandered all except his God,

And him he would have slandered too,

But that the God he never knew.


✟Here lies my wife in earthly mold,

Who when she lived did naught but scold.

Peace! wake her not, for now, she's still,

She had, but now I have my will.


✟After cremation:


And this is all that's left of thee

Thou fairest of earth's daughters.

Only four pounds of ashes white

Out of two hundred and three quarters.


These are part of a collection of epitaphs that was started by Susan Darling Safford, and published in ©1895. Ms. Safford searched all the graveyards near her Vermont home for quaint inscriptions upon old tombstones. She had a fondness for studying human eccentricity as revealed in whimsical epitaphs. This is part of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Quaint Epitaphs in the Public Domain. https://www.gutenberg.org/files/22518/22518-h/22518-h.htm

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